Let's Talk About Sex.

Elder Holland was President of BYU when he gave an address to the student body in the Marriot Center on January 12, 1988. He entitled it Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. I highly recommend reading this talk.

In that address, President Holland explained the purpose of sex. “May I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of god for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is – or certainly was ordained to be – a sacred symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal. The Prophet Joseph Smith once said we perhaps ought to render such a sacred bond as “welding” – that those united in matrimony and eternal families are “welded” together, inseparable if you will, to withstand temptations of the adversary and the afflictions of mortality (See D&C 128:18)”.

It is a sacred ordinance. Not a leisurely pastime. Not to be taken lightly. According to LiveScience.com, the average male loses his virginity at age 16.9; females average slightly older, at 17.4. President Holland, in the late 1980’s, wrote that “In America 3,000 adolescents become pregnant each day. A million a year. Four out of five are unmarried. More than half get abortions. ‘Babies having babies. [Babies] killing [babies]’.  The same national poll indicated that nearly 60% of high school students in ‘mainstream’ America had lost their virginity, and 80% of college students had.” And the statistics are not getting better.

Why do we as a society feel that this sensual sin is less calamitous than others? Why do we justify? Of course, social media normalizes promiscuous behavior. It is the adversary’s way of denying us the gift of the Holy Ghost and pulling us away from our God. Of this, President Holland said:

Where is there in all of this that prompts Alma to warn his son Corianton that sexual transgression is “an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost” (Alma 39:5; emphasis added)?

Setting aside sins against the Holy Ghost for a moment as a special category unto themselves, it is LDS doctrine that sexual transgression is second only to murder in the Lord’s list of life’s most serious sins. By assigning such a rank to a physical appetite so conspicuously evident in all of us, what is God trying to tell us about its place in his plan for all men and woman in mortality? I submit to you he is doing precisely that – commenting about the very plan of life itself. Clearly god’s greatest concerns regarding mortality are how one gets into this world and how one gets out of it. These two most important issues in our very personal and carefully supervised progress are the two issues that he as our Creator and Father and Guide wishes most to reserve to himself. These are the two matters that he has repeatedly told us he wants us never to take illegally, illicitly, unfaithfully, without sanction.

As for the taking of life, we are generally quite responsible. Most people, it seems to me, readily sense the sanctity of life and as a rule do not run up to friends, put a loaded revolver to their heads, and cavalierly pull the trigger. Furthermore, when there is a click of the hammer rather than an explosion of lead, and a possible tragedy seems to have been averted, no one in such a circumstance would be so stupid as to sigh, “Oh, good. I didn’t go all the way.”

No, “all the way” or not, the insanity of such action with fatal powder and steel is obvious on the face of it. Such a person running about this campus with an arsenal of loaded handguns or military weaponry aimed at fellow students would be apprehended, prosecuted, and institutionalized if in fact such a lunatic would not himself have been killed in all the pandemonium. After such a fictitious moment of horror on this campus…we would undoubtedly sit in our dorms or classrooms with terror on our minds for many months to come, wondering how such a thing could possibly happen.

No…in the case of how life is taken, I think we seem to be quite responsible. The seriousness of that does not often have to be spelled out, and not many sermons need to be devoted to it.

So if God holds taking lives and making lives in the same seriousness, why do we lock up those who take lives and look the other way to those who do the opposite? Not only molesters and rapists, but every person that engages in sexual activity outside the sanctity of at least civil marriage is in nearly as much wrong as those who are locked away for taking a life. God views taking lives and taking virginity in the same light. Sexual intimacy is “so right and rewarding and stunningly beautiful when it is within marriage and approved of God (not just ‘good’ but ‘very good,’ he declared to Adam and Eve), and so blasphemously wrong – like unto murder – when it is outside such a covenant” (Holland). 

“You must wait” President Holland insists. “You must wait until you can give everything, and you cannot give everything until you are at least legally and, for Latter-day Saint purposes, eternally pronounced as one”. If we do not wait to give ourselves complete to one, and only one person, within the binding vows of marriage, we are in God’s eyes playing our “own form of emotional Russian roulette”.

So what are we to do? Sex education is necessary.  Difficult, yes. But necessary. Sex is not bad. It is so important to understand that sex is not a bad thing – it is a sanctified privilege that God has entrusted with us, and as long as we use it as it was intended, we come closest to God as we can here on this earth (See President Holland’s talk for the quote on this – it wouldn’t do it justice to insert it here). It can be difficult when teenagers and adolescents grow up always being scared about the consequences of sex. And, yes, this fear is necessary to instill in children to help motivate them through their hormonal years to stay virtuous and pure. But it can be difficult for those same children to change their entire attitude toward sex, literally overnight. Sex education is necessary.

How do we teach, then, these young adults about sex? They need to know what sex is. They need to know what is acceptable behavior before marriage. The For the Strength of Youth pamphlet provides some good guidelines as to what is acceptable and what is not while dating:

Never do anything that could lead to sexual transgression. Treat others with respect, not as objects used to satisfy lustful and selfish desires. Before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. Pay attention to the promptings of the Spirit so that you can be clean and virtuous. The Spirit of the Lord will withdraw from one who is in sexual transgression.

Avoid situations that invite increased temptation, such as late-night or overnight activities away from home or activities where there is a lack of adult supervision. Do not participate in discussions or any media that arouse sexual feelings. Do not participate in any type of pornography. The Spirit can help you know when you are at risk and give you the strength to remove yourself from the situation. Have faith in and be obedient to the righteous counsel of your parents and leaders.

These guidelines are good, but can still be a little vague. We run into the problem sometimes when teaching the law of chastity and the importance of sexual purity because it can be an uncomfortable topic to discuss. Teachers frequently rush over certain topics or provide vague explanations with the assumption that their audience understands what they are referring to. Sometimes, we don’t. To help clarify the law of chastity just a little, and help us all remember the guidelines of the law of chastity, take this analogy.

                Let’s go back to primary, where we are taught all the fundamentals of the gospel. Primary is where we are instilled with the foundation of a testimony that we carry with us throughout our lives. You didn’t think we were taught about the law of chastity in primary, did you? Let’s take a look at the lyrics to this song: “head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Eyes, ears, mouth, and nose”. This simple song can provide apt opportunity for us to remember the guidelines of the law of chastity before marriage.

                Head: keep our thoughts pure. This is especially applicable when in a romantic relationship because both parties need to be mindful of each other. You have to know your individual boundaries, and keep your distance from those lines. If making out causes your thoughts to wander to more inappropriate topics, then making out should be avoided. President Monson said “President David O. McKay advised, ‘I implore you to think clean thoughts.’ He then made this significant declaration of truth: ‘Every action is preceded by a thought. If we want to control our actions, we must control our thinking.’ Brethren, fill your minds with good thoughts, and your actions will be proper.”

                Shoulders to knees: this is the “strike zone”. Great caution should be taken in this area to avoid necking and petting – touching the private, sacred parts of another person’s body with or without clothes.  Knees are also a good reminder that we kneel to pray. Pray for guidance and strength to know and understand, and follow through with, appropriate boundaries and standards in dating. Prayer is also a necessity for anyone going through the repentance process because of unchaste actions. “If any has stumbled in his journey, there is a way back.” President Monson assures. “The process is called repentance. Our Savior died to provide you and me that blessed gift. Though the path is difficult, the promise is real: ‘Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow’ (Isaiah 1:18). Don’t put your eternal life at risk. Keep the commandments of God. If you have sinned, the sooner you begin to make your way back, the sooner you will find the sweet peace and joy that come with the miracle of forgiveness” (Monson, Standards of Strength, October 2008).

                Toes: Stand in holy places, and be not moved. This reminds us to always remember our standards and furthering our testimony, and not “coming down” from our spiritual mountain as the Nephites did when they were seduced by the Gadianton robbers (Helaman 6:38).

                Eyes: Avoid viewing inappropriate things. Pornography is a big factor in this category, but it can also apply to each individual. Don’t view bodies without clothes. Women, dress modestly. The way that young women are dressing can cause the thoughts of the young men that they surround themselves with to think inappropriate thoughts, and encourage them to behave inappropriately. 

                Ears: Listen for the whispering of the spirit. It will help and guide in matters where you are uncertain or unsure about where a line should be drawn. The spirit will also inform you of a dangerous situation that could lead to unchaste behavior, and we need to be very sensitive to this spirit. Avoid situations where the spirit is not present. President Monson advised, “Precious young people, make every decision you contemplate pass this test: What does it do to me? What does it do for me? And let your code of conduct emphasize not ‘What will others think?’ but rather ‘What will I think of myself?’ Be influenced by that still, small voice. Remember that one with authority placed his hands on your head at the time of your confirmation and said, “Receive the Holy Ghost.” Open your hearts, even your very souls, to the sound of that special voice that testifies of truth. As the prophet Isaiah promised, “Thine ears shall hear a word … saying, This is the way, walk ye in it” (Isaiah 30:21)” (Standards of Strength).

                Mouth: take caution when kissing. Before marriage, mouths should only touch mouths. Avoid passionate kissing. President Spencer W. Kimball said “Kissing has been prostituted and has degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration. To kiss in casual dating is asking for trouble. What do kisses mean when given out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness? Even if timely courtship justifies the kiss it should be a clean, decent, sexless one like the kiss between mother and son, or father and daughter.” And again, from Elder Richard G. Scott, "When you are mature enough to plan seriously for marriage, keep your expressions of feelings to those that are comfortable in the presence of your parents." So we’ve got President Kimball telling us to kiss like we’re kissing our mother, and we’ve got Elder Scott telling us to kiss like our mother is watching. And I suppose that is the point. There is a parent watching:

                Nose: The Lord Knows. He knows our thoughts, desires, and actions. We need to be mindful of that and make sure that we are always comfortable with ourselves and the physical actions that we pursue in relationships – or otherwise – before marriage.

               

“Can you see then the mortal schizophrenia that comes from pretending we are one,” President Holland asks, “sharing the physical symbols and physical intimacy of our union but then fleeing, retreating” … “You must wait – you must wait until you can give everything, and you cannot give everything until you are at least legally and, for Latter-day Saint purposes, eternally pronounced as one”. It is so important that we take the law of chastity and sexual purity seriously. God views it as just as serious a sin as murder. We ought to, too. 

I am also reminded of the account in the Book of Mormon where Jacob chastises the wicked Nephites for raping their women: “Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our bretheren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbing of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds” (Jacob 2:35). Of this, President Monson added in his October 2008 conference address Standards of Strength (and, may I add, one of my very favorite quotes of all time): “Because sexual intimacy is so sacred, the Lord requires self-control and purity before marriage, as well as full fidelity after marriage. In dating, treat your date with respect, and expect your date to show that same respect for you. Tears inevitably follow transgression. Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears” (Conference Report October, 1990, 61).  

And finally, guidance given by Elder N. Eldon Tanner regarding acceptable dating procedure is what I would like to conclude on. “No man, young or old, who holds the priesthood of God can honor that priesthood without honoring and respecting womanhood. Any young man should be prepared to protect a woman’s virtue with his life if necessary, and never be guilty of lusting after a woman or doing anything that would degrade her or cause her to lose her virtue. Every young woman has a perfect right to feel safe in going out with a young man holding the priesthood, knowing that he will respect and protect her in every way” (Ensign, July 1973, 95). And of course, it is not all the man’s responsibility during dating to draw these lines and make this effort to remain sexually pure. It does need to come from both participants. But the reason for the focus on young men is because

“It is [frequently assumed that] the young woman has to assume the responsibility for controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot. What an unacceptable response to such a serious issue! What kind of man is he, what priesthood or power or strength or self control does this man have that lets him develop in society, grow to the age of mature accountability, perhaps even pursue a university education and prepare to affect the future of colleagues and kingdoms and the course of the world, but yet does not have the mental capacity or the moral will to say, "I will not do that thing"? No, this sorry drugstore psychology would have us say, "He just can't help himself. His glands have complete control over his life--his mind, his will, his entire future."

To say that a young woman in such a relationship has to bear her responsibility and that of the young man's too is the least fair assertion I can imagine. In most instances if there is sexual transgression, I lay the burden squarely on the shoulders of the young man--for our purposes probably a priesthood bearer--and that's where I believe God intended responsibility to be. In saying that I do not excuse young women who exercise no restraint and have not the character or conviction to demand intimacy only in its rightful role. I have had enough experience in Church callings to know that women as well as men can be predatory. But I refuse to buy some young man's feigned innocence who wants to sin and call it psychology (Holland).

This is a serious issue. And one of which I have only barely scratched the surface on today. But the message of this is that sexual intimacy is a serious sin and not one to be taken lightly, regardless that society has twisted it into such distorted proportions that we lock away those who attempt to take life, but readily accept as normality those who engage inactivity to create it. Those of us who are not yet married ought to be much more mindful about our engagements in romantic relationships. And most of us ought to rethink our standards and draw new, more modest, lines when it comes to our behaviors in romantic relationships and dating. A famous excerpt from a well known poet reminds us that if we play with fire, we will be burned:

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.  

(Robert Frost, “Fire and Ice”)

That burning desire inside each of us that motivates us to experiment with our emotions and feelings associated with sexual intimacy must be carefully and consistently contained. “A youth boiling with hormones will wonder why he should not give full freedom to his sexual desires; and if he is unchecked by custom, morals, or laws, he may ruin his life [or hers] before he matures sufficiently to understand that sex is a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the group” [Will and Ariel Durant, The Lessons of History (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1968), pp. 35-36. And again, a more apostolic voice of warning from James E. Talmage expresses that “it has been declared in the solemn word of revelation, that the spirit and the body constitute the soul of a man; and, therefore, we should look upon this body as something that shall endure in the resurrected state, beyond the grave, something to be kept pure and holy. Be not afraid of soiling its hands; be not afraid of scars that may come to it if won in earnest effort, or [won] in honest fight, but beware of scars that disfigure, that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone, that have befallen you in unworthy undertakings [pursued where you ought not have been]; beware the wounds of battles in which you have been fighting on the wrong side” [Talmage, CR, October 1913, p. 117].  

              If you do find that you have acquired wounds or scars from “battles in which you have been fighting on the wrong side”, the wonderful thing about this gospel is that it is never too late for you to expose those wounds or scars to your Savior and submit to his will. Those wounds are painful to treat, but because of the atoning blood from the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, it is possible to be forgiven for such transgressions. “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool” (Isaiah 1:18). I think there is a lot to be said of this verse, especially how scarlet sins are likened to wool. Jesus Christ is the Lamb of God, the ultimate blood sacrifice so that we could become as “white as snow”. Pure. Forgiven. Even if we have been plagued by the ugly consequences of sexual sin, we still have the potential to become like our Savior if we choose to apply his atonement and repent. Yes, it is that serious. And yes, it is worth it.